I Hate Billy Packer With A Fiery Passion

I hate Billy Packer. Thoroughly, and to the core. I was first exposed to Billy "Dumbass Prick" Packer two years ago during a UNC game he was calling for Raycom, the local CBS affiliate here in the Chapel Hill area. He made a number of ridiculous pronouncements which I am sure I have repressed, because I can't remember them. I didn't know his name then, but I do recall his partner (Jim Nantz, probably) sitting mute while play went on, simply attempting to internalize his retarded partner's word-vomit.

Last year, in the infamous UNC-Duke game where Gerald Henderson hard-fouled Hansborough, resulting in copious amounts of blood, an ejection, and a lot of angry message-board fans, Billy "Needs to Go Play in the Road Blindfolded" Packer famously iterated, "I believe that was unintentional on Henderson's part."




He reiterated it again about sixteen times while Nantz sat there, mute, probably investigating why his balls were missing, because he refused to even offer a counterpoint to Billy "Tired Old Coot" Packer's analysis. Whether or not his position was right is of no consequence. I do not want someone force-feeding basketball opinion based on what his glaucomic eyes tell his atrophied brain (because he never uses it).

Ol' Billy (and he is old), as has been demonstrated, loves interjecting opinions into a game that I would just like to see called as it is. Occasional interpretations, fine, but diarrhea of the mouth is a little over the top. So, while watching the Memphis-Texas game the other day, Packer said another one of his retarded sayings, which prompted me to write an anger-filled message to CBS:

CBS: your coverage so far of the NCAA tournament has been fantastic, with one exception. Right now I'm watching the Momphis-Texas game on mute, because I cannot stand Billy Packer and his "pronouncements." He has the basketball IQ of a hamster, knows absolutely nothing about the game, and is fond of making sweeping generalizations that have absolutely no merit ("The only way Texas can get back into this game is by staying strictly on the perimeter"). I love the tournament and your coverage, but please for the love of God send Packer to some CBS affiliate in Alaska where we never have to hear from him again.
Time after time I listen to Packer make absolutely retarded statements while his play-by-play partner sits there quietly, no doubt attempting to understand how a man of such ineptitude managed to make it to CBS, much less on air. Jim Nantz must have nightmares. Thank you for your time.

Obviously, I never received an answer from CBS. Billy "Pearl Harbor Was Unintentional" Packer ambles on, content to spew his ramblings.

Oh, I almost forgot. In a game last year, in the middle of action, Billy "If He Got Hit By A Bus I Would Throw a Party" Packer blurts out, "Hey, what is going on with Britney Spears?!" Nantz actually found his nuts for once and said, "What are you talking about?" or something along those lines, when really he was thinking, "My partner is a complete fucking moron."

In case you were wondering, the "aliases" I was giving Packer throughout this article came from a simple facebook groups search of the words Billy Packer.